18 till I die

Greetings,.

As an addendum to my hospital story, that saturday morning I fell and hit the back of my head on the floor of a restaurant I promote quite frequently. The floor was wet, and down I went, back, elbow and back of hit hitting the floor in that order. So it definitely was not a good weekend that one. Yesterday, there was a dead body found very about 1/2 way between my hotel and my office. I found out later that night that it was a vigiliante act - some people got together and stoned someone that was a thief. The boda boda riders saw it and did nothing about it.

On a safety note, I have started to take taxis home at night after dark, even from in town. This was on advice of my boss Janet. What prompted me to ask her whether or not I should was walking in the dark and seeing packs of street people. Apparently, there's a presumption that mzungus have money... so as a precaution, I take a cab back to the hotel after dark. With less than 7 weeks until I depart, no sensing playing Russian Roulette with the walks home in the dark. I suppose it would be more akin to Kenya Roulette. I'm a little bit relieved that I won't have to walk in the dark b/c the drivers here really worry me - sometimes I think that they wouldn't even stop their cars if they actually hit something or someone.

Health watch:I'm doing much better since my little bout with dehydration. I've started to drink more water and tea and now I've started to take vitamins (Thanks Peter!). Unfortunately, I think I may have to check into rehab when I get back b/c I've developed a dangerous addiction to Golden Grahams (the cereal, that's not the nickname for some sort of new designer drug). They're quite delicious even without milk. I've been rather negligent in my trips to the gym lately but that's going to change. It's my March Resolution.

The disappointing thing about Kenya is that the stores do not discount their valentine's cards after Feb. 14. Otherwise, I was going to stock up for the future. Most of the cards don't even say Happy V-Day, but just give some sort of over-the-top-cheezy sentiment of how much the sender loves the recipient of the card. Pretty smart, if you ask me. I mean why limit yourself to only one day of sales?

Thing that amuses me about Kenya this week:The approval scheme: Everytime I order dinner in the hotel where I live the waitress says "It's ok.". When when she says that, it sounds like she's approving my choice of dinner. I'm waiting for the day that she tells me it is not ok and insists I have something else.

I've stopped eating dinner at the hotel b/c they don't serve beef anymore b/c of the Rift Valley Fever - it's caused the price of beef to go up. So I go someplace else that serves beef, which oddly enough, actually had to raise their prices for their chicken dishes. That's at this restaurant called Gilani's, which is also the name of one of the supermarkets here. In the supermarket there's a couple of signs. One reads "Chickens wanted" and the other "Eggs wanted". First time I saw the Eggs wanted sign, I checked my pockets to see if I had any eggs on me, but I didn't. I normally don't walk around town with eggs in my pocket. Actually, I don't think I've ever walked anywhere with eggs in my pocket.

This past week I was approached by a street kid. I offered to buy him a meal but I think that there was a huge communication barrier that he did't understand what I was saying and I couldn't decipher what he was saying. It was like a conversation with G. W. Bush and, well, anybody else who can actually speak English. Kid kept following me, so I started to run to lose him. He started to run, and somehow in his barefeet, he kept up with me. He followed me all the way to a restaurant (same one where I fell) where I was getting a snack, so I had to sneak out the back.

I finally found a place to have a decent pizza in this town. They don't really carry a vegetarian one, so I ordered a Hawaiian pizza but sans the bacon and ham. Well, that day they brought me a pizza with peas and beans on it instead of my meat-free 50th State Pizza. In 1995, when I was in university, people started to put broccoli and chicken and spinach on pizzas. At first, I thought that was cooky talk. But really, it's quite delish. Peas and beans on a pizza - not so much.

Is Dexit still working in TO? Could anyone who works at ScotiaPlaza please tell me if the Tim Horton's there still accepts Dexit? I'm asking b/c the cover story in the Economist this past week discussed the death of cash society.

Until next time,

Coming to you live from Nakuru,

I couldn't dance with another...

Ola Hombres,

Well, first things first. As any good international correspondent, I went and examined the Kenyan health care system first hand. I went to the hospital on Sunday night for dehydration. On one hand, no waiting line (advantage Kenya) but the next day when I checked out, I had to pay cash (advantage Canada).

I was hooked up to an IV on Sunday, which believe it or not is something of which I've dreamed. Of course, the rest of the dream is that I'm hooked up to the IV b/c I just raced 80 yards downfield to score a touchdown in the Super Bowl. So really, this wasn't such a dream come true.

While the equipment used in the hospital is sterile - I saw them take the needles out of the packets, the service by the nurses, isn't exactly up to par. I'm talking about more non-medical aspects of service. Case in point: the rehydration formula that was being prepared for me had instructions in English to boil water and mix the packet in COOLED water. The water the nurse brought to me was still steaming. I know it's been a while since I participated in any science fairs, but I'm pretty sure that water that is still steaming is not cooled. Big perk, is that the drugs (legal ones people) here are so much cheaper than even Canada. I don't know why the seniors from the US just don't come to Africa instead of going to Canada? The drugs here are soooo much cheaper in Kenya than even Canada. Someone might want to tell the Matlock lovin' crowd that they're really barking up the wrong tree. I'm much better now. Drinking a lot more water and black teas (they make all their teas here with milk) juices and eating soups. I eat the soups straight out of the can - the instructions say to heat them in a saucepan. If anyone knows of any health risks of what I'm doing (besides the obvious of being in Africa), please let me know. Speaking of soup, when I had the hotel where I live heat up the soup, I gave the waitress the instructions and pointed out the instructions on the can. What she brought me well over an hour later was a warmed can. Apparently, they put the can in the saucepan (I think) and heated it up. No way was I opening up a heated can of soup. What if exploded on me? What an embarrassing way to go!
My first two trips overseas in 21 years, and I get sick on both (India in June 2006). This may be a sign to go to places where are less dangerous. So I guess a trip to Detroit is definitely out.So I'm alive and kickin'. For those of whom I've left something in my will, you'll just have to hold out a little longer.

Down on the farm
I do have some bad news - I apparently missed the National Ploughing Contest in Kenya that was held in November. I only found out about it last week as I was searching for information on the Agricultural shows of Kenya. I'm obviously doing this as part of my job and not b/c I have a new found interest in agriculture. Believe me, I do not. I'm just looking for ways for the organic fertilizer to reach the maximum number of farmers as part of my recommendations in my marketing plan.
I got shaken down by one of the farmers I've met this past week. I took a bunch of farmers on a field trip, to, well, a field (Where else would you take a field trip?) to see the trial plots of crops being grown with the organic fertilizer. I called up the chairman of the farmers' networking group that saw the trials to arrange another meeting with him, and the next day he calls me to say he's in town and will come to my office. Well, there was a meeting with him, my boss and me, and he's trying to get free fertilizer out of us (and free seeds too I think). My boss leaves, and the farmer is getting ready to leave when he goes "there's just the matter of my bus fare". I offered him 35 kenyan shillings and he says that it was over 100 and that 200 will do. I was schocked. I mean I didn't tell him to come into town - we could've arranged the Monday trip to his farm over the phone which would not have cost me 200 ksh.

Amusing site of the week: valentine's day cards for sale on the street with a "TO" at the top and "FROM" at the bottom. These were not the kind with some sort of fluffy cartoon character on them that pre-schoolers give one another. I think they were legitimately aimed at the adult market. Did you know? The NBA sends an all-star dance pack to the all-star game? Each teams' fans vote on which of their dance pack members they want to send to the all-star game. It's good that the girls are being recognized for their hard work on the court. Till next time...Jacob

Sweet 16

Well this is e-mail is no. 16, so everyone, please celebrate with a piece of cake, ideally with pink frosting.How was this week? Well, I've started a new routine to avoid the street kids. I will sometimes cross the street to avoid them if they're on one side, and hope that they don't see me. I'll still buy a kid a meal every now and then but I just can't do it everyday. I still refuse to give money to the kids that sniff glue. I had an interesting experience a few weeks ago with a gluehead. I'm not stereotyping - he had the bottle glued to his mouth. He saw me walking up the street and stuck his hand out to me. He didn't even ask for money - just muttered something so incoherent. I didn't break stride - just kept telling him "no thank you" and "sorry" in my wonderful Swahili.

Work wise, well I'm reading a lot about well let's just put it like this: human waste. Way too much for my liking. Apparently it's a valuable resource for compost if treated properly.

You know what else is a great thing about having learnt way too much about compost: the word humus. which is a shame b/c i really like to eat humus. I tell you, I'm going to be the hit of the cocktail party circuit once I get back. Kidding. Here's my promise to you: Once I return I promise never to mention anything to do with waste. Ever again. Ever.

I'm starting to get better deals from the street vendors. Sometimes they give me a good deal without me even having to bargain. They're kind of suckers that way b/c sometimes they'd get more than what I do end up paying them, but woo hoo for me.

Of course, I had one vendor renege on our deal. I don't know if I should sue him for breach of contract or not since it was a) an oral one; b) i don't think i have that much faith in the kenya legal system; c) what would I be saving: $20 us? Maybe $50?

Last week I made it to basketball training but once. This week twice. I don't go when it rains or when the ground is wet. Not b/c i'll melt a la the wicked witch of the west but b/c the court is outdoors so wet cements increases the chance of injury. I made it back twice this week. Either those kids are getting much faster or i'm getting much slower. I've decided that when i get back to Canada, i'm going to just try to play basketball with the 70 to 80 year old crowd. For starters, I hope I can out run them, and outjump. "c'mon, Gramps, that the best you can do!?"

So this week is valentine's week. They do celebrate here in Kenya but it is not as commercialized as it is in North America. There have been cards for sale for a number of weeks now, but in Nakuru, it was only this past week that the grocery store put out a Valentine's table (note: one table, not rows and rows) of gifts. One of the funniest things I find is that the cards here are way too overdramatic and over the top. I don't care how romantic you are, some of them should just not be given. I'll try to take a photo of some of the cards to show you just how cheesy they reall are.

One of the newest souvenirs I've seen is some sort of key chain with a name on it and what I assume is the meaning of that name in Swahili. Example: Roy means king. One of the vendors selling such artifacts told me that he had my name. So I just looked at him and said: "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father prepare to die."

Dude just looked at me. I don't think he had a clue what I was talking about. It really sucks living in a pop culture vacuum.

How much does Kenya Standard Time suck? Well, I was supposed to be at a meeting on Tuesday. We were to leave the office at 2. We left at 2:30, and drove less than 4 minutes away to the district officer's office to pick up some officials. That should've taken all of 2 minutes tops. We were taking them to see the agronomic trials of the crops being grown with our organic fertilizer. Well, 30 minutes later we finally left. So we were uberlate for the meeting at the trial site. When the professor called my boss, she said we were 5 minutes away. That's also Kenya speak. Everything is 5 minutes away. When i ask the wait staff how long till my dinner is ready, their reply: 5 minutes.

The same night I had to meet the guy from the ngo to give him the goat money. Well he told me to meet him at 6:30,. I decided to leave my office at 6:40 b/c I figured he'd be at least 5 minutes late. Dude wasn't even there yet! I called him and he told me 2 minutes. 5 minutes later he shows up. Longest 2 minutes ever!

Thing about Kenya that cracks me up this week:How polite they are. I'm not talking about please and thank yous when appropriate, but "please" when a please is not even called for. On Sunday, I asked the chef making the omlettes "are those mushrooms?" His reply: yes please. Uberpolite. And apparently, here you don't ask for a beer by saying "give me a beer please." you say "Help me with a beer." I hear that and I picture the bar keep opening the bottle, nursing you with the bottle, and then turning you over his knee to help you if you drank the beer too quickly and developed gas. THAT's helping with a beer.

Heroes of the week:

1. the raptors: who may make the playoffs for the first time since i was in school! they have a 4 game lead on the nets. Go Raps!

2. the liberals: who picked up 1/2 a game on the torys this past week when Turner went Red.

3. Didi: for also buying a goat. The NGO has advised that male goats will do the most good.

The way it works is that those who get the female goats have to bring them to a farmer who has a male goat, pays said farmer $1, they put the goats together, put on some luther vandross or john mayer, light some candles, pour some wine, and let the goats get to business. so basically i'm helping facilitate the illicit sex trade in goats.

then when that female goat gives birth to a female kid, the farmer gives the kid to the ngo to repay the ngo for the credit in kind.

Random question of the week:How much does Bon Jovi's Wanted Dead or Alive rock?Answer to Random Question of the week: infinity.

Kenyan mystery of the week: This country has the technology for instant payment mechanisms in place (think e-mail payment, PayPal) but their postage stamps are still the old school licking kind.

Next week: Pictures of Bananas the Goat. I met him on Tuesday afternoon.

Till next week, happy Valentine's Day, and remember, who loves ya baby?

15 Minutes of Fame

Hello everyone.

a few housekeeping matters.


Here's the link to column 6 for those who may have missed it:

http://working.canada.com/story.html?id=b6f40911-154e-4714-ae6b-c74a3291bad5&k=92267

And column 7, which appeared this past Wed.

http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/news/archives/story.html?id=33a69d42-6738-445c-bc96-aef4d4e8fa54

Now, the last 1.5 weeks have been quite interesting. a week ago thursday on a whim, i sent an e-mail to a friend of mine, tahirih, to see how she's enjoying nyc - since i love that city, the shows, the sights, the sounds - and it turned out she was in kenya for the world social forum. so on sat. i hightailed it to nairobi to spend the day with her and her friend natalie.

t had to bail on us for a meeting so natalie and i headed into town. there's no place for two mzungus to have more fun than the massai market. we came across it totally by accident since we were just randomly walking around town, since neither of us are familiar with nairobi. you can't buy something from one vendor without the ones next to that booth asking you to "promote" them - and most of them do sell the exact same stuff.

oh the deals i got. i can't tell you the exact prices (not b/c i don't know them but in case the would be recipients of the gifts are actually reading this) but the price on 2 pairs of candlestick holders was not to my liking so i walked away from the vendor. Only to have said vendor chase me down 5 booths farther down the path and offer me 2 pairs for just a bit more than what he wanted for 1 pair. I ended up with 3 pairs for slightly more than what the vendor wanted for 2 pairs. However, when I left Natalie alone to pick out my candlestick holders, a swarm of kids converged on her and relieved her of her loose change.

Get a job, sha na na na, na na na

Great news. I got a job offer on saturday. i didn't take it. it was from one of the vendors. apparently, he liked the cut of my gib, and offered me 50% of his profits on whatever i sold. I turned him down, but said I'd "promote" him, and so, I turned around and yelled just randomly "Hey buy from this guy" pointing to my new potential employer. I obviously went with the North American meaning of promote, and not the kenyan one.

I need your magic tough, don't you know

It turns out that I'm a magician, having made nearly 10 000 ksh (just about $150 US) disappear within a span of a few hours. Who am I kidding? Most of it was gone within the 40 or so minutes that we were at the market. But the memories of buying that purple necklace, those will last a lifetime. It's too bad the necklace is so effeminate, otherwise i would wear it.

God put a smile on your face

Can I tell you how much living here in Kenya cracks me up? First off, at the world social forum there were people protesting against those groups who support same-sex people. Those protestors think that gay people need counselling, etc. etc. Protesting against a group does not sound very social to me. This is a country where men will hold hands with one another (yes i know it is accepted custom but i'm a mzungu and to me that signals dating ritual).

(ed. note: each week i'm going to try to remember to list something that cracks me up about living in kenya - if I forget, please, someone remind me)

So this got me thinking. I've decided that for my next trip, I am not going to go to a country that oppresses individual rights. I think you all should join me in this stance. Remember in the 1980s, when a bunch of rock stars got together and sang "ain't gonna play sun city" (sun city is a resort in south africa) to protest apartheid? Well, thankfully b/c of such stances, my 17 year old cousin, Aaron, lives in a world where he may not even know what apartheid is. (I'm assuming that he doesn't know what apartheid is b/c he doesn't know what GI Joe is.) That's the kind of world we should strive for!

So that means Turkey is out, b/c that country really oppresses free speech with its "insulting turkishness laws" (some armenian turk was recently assassinated - stuff like that i know, but not the fact that there was a carjacking in nairobi!); and paris is out for that matter b/c of its law that prohibits muslim women from wearing the veil. and most of the US b/c most states don't recognize same sex marriages... where is left for me to visit? Vermont? What am I going to do in Vermont?! Anyway, i hope that you'll join me in boycotting turkey. It's what Mandela would want. Oh, the country, not the poultry.

Animal

so this afternoon, i'm meeting with FSK (the goat giving ngo) to negotiate the terms of the purchase of the goat. I think the best name for said goat is "Dapper" b/c it's sponsor's manner of dress is so. I think what the sponsor would like in return for purchasing the goat is a yearly picture of the goat in a flat cap - those checkered caps that look flat on the head (they were quite popular on automobile drivers when the automobile first came out and Jenny McCarthy says they look stylish), and also that if the sponsor ever comes to kenya, that he should meet and milk the goat, and enjoy a glass of said goat's fruit (well milk, which is more dairy not so much fruit).

Bad obsession

my new obsession: the 2008 US Presidential race. more so, the democratic nomination. i have gotten in the habit of buying all magazines that feature stories about the race on the cover. with hilary and barrack in the running, this is going to get interesting. it will be nice to get back to toronto to be able to watch cnn during normal hours.

The big game

Please, don't tell me who won. I've had the game taped and in just about 3 months i will be home to watch it. I am pulling for the colts big time since i love peyton and marvin harrison. it's going to be tough for the next little while b/c it means that i'll have to avoid every website that has anything news related on it, including gmail b/c sometimes it has those newslinks at the top. as of may 2nd, feel free to discuss the super bowl with me b/c i'll have it watched by then!

Heroes and Zeroes

1) Maggie 1: for updating me on Smallville season 6, without even having had to wait for me to ask (hint hint, Jen 1). Now, I know what is going on and can sleep at night without worry whether or not clark is saving the world. i will admit, once lana hooked up with lex, i lost a lot of interest in that show. seriously, Lana? Lex!?

2) Mark 2: for having to put up with BS and still managing to go 3 in a row.

3) My younger brother Alex, a stand up comic: On March 22nd (I think) he's one of 10 finalists for the Toronto Bracket of the Just for Laughs competition, with the winner moving on against the other 6 cross-canada winners, and the winner of that getting a spot at Just for Laughs in Montreal. If anyone wants confirmation of the date, please e-mail me and i will let you know. Also, this is a money back guarantee - if you go see him and are not entertained, then i will give you your money back (please note: to receive refund, refund request has to be presented in person to Jacob Kojfman in Nakuru, Kenya. Any other refund request will be void and invalid).

4) Angela 2 - who despite my suggestion not to, did send me mail. Why do i suggest not to mail me anything even though i love getting mail (except for bills)? Well it takes 5 weeks for things to get here. You know what is instantaneous though? e-mail money transfers and they will NEVER be refused.

5) Tahirih and Natalie - for bringing me a little bit of Canadiana to Kenya, via New York City (Represent, represent).


Zeroes:

1) Turkey - for being so closedminded as to have a law limiting free speech, which in essence led to the assassination of that writer. I don't remember his name right now but if you Google "assassinated Turkish writers 2007" I'm sure it will come up. Oh, just to clarify, that's turkey the country and not the poultry. the bird is a wonderful source of protein.

Next week: Special Valentine's Day Edition!